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Truth Is the Seed of Intimacy

Dec 24, 2021

Intimacy without truth is just play.

We’ve all experienced intimacy in some form throughout our lives, but often when engaging intimately with another, we find ourselves moving in and out of true intimacy. This is a primal level of intimacy, but if you want to reach the next level of intimacy and stop – then it’s time we address what’s caused us to play it safe in love. To break the cycles of moving in and out of intimacy, we must do something radically different from what we’ve ever done before.

We’ve all experienced rejection in some way, and if you haven’t, then you’re playing it too safe in love… or not at all. Rejection is normal. It builds our emotional stamina. Rejection can be good for our personal development, but with all good comes a little — if not a lot — of bad as well. Being rejected by someone your heart yearned for can leave a lasting impression on your way of being. It can cause a person to question and compromise their identity.

When people feel rejected by someone they crave, they might start hiding aspects of their being from future partners. Maybe you hide your trust issues, your jealousy, your mood swings, your insecurities, your “fat rolls.” Whatever it may be, you start hiding. We are all hiding a hundred and one things, not only from others but even from ourselves. Only when two people drop all their defenses can true intimacy flourish, and perhaps that’s why true intimacy is so terrifying. Intimacy is the one thing we all desire, yet we must give up control in order to receive it. Intimacy offers us the world yet guarantees us absolutely nothing.

The healthiest way for two people to stay in love is to hold each other closely as they experience one another – rather than using each other to fulfill their unfulfilled longings. An incorrect human belief that some people are susceptible to is that love is conditional. Love is not conditional. If love is conditional, it is not love; it is only manipulation masquerading as love.

Have you ever wondered what might happen if you dropped the act and began to trust that being yourself would be enough to get the love you need?

In each of us, there is light, and there is dark. People with the healthiest sense of self-esteem are well aware of their polarity but genuinely believe that they are good for people at the deepest level. It’s time for you to wake up to the reality that you were created so people could enjoy you, not just endure you.

We don’t think of our flaws as the glue that binds us to the people we love, but they are. Grace only sticks to our imperfections. Those who can’t accept their imperfections can’t accept grace either.

― Donald Miller, Scary Close: Dropping the Act and Acquiring a Taste for True Intimacy

You don’t have to hide your imperfections to earn the love of another because love cannot be earned; it can only be given. Love can only be exchanged by two people who are entirely true with one another. Two perfect imperfections.

When you reveal your truth, you will face uncomfortable anxiety levels as you wait to see whether the other party accepts or rejects you. The other party has every right to deny you and move on, that’s their choice, and you can’t take away their choice. The only way you can take away a person’s choice is to never reveal your truth to them, leaving them with an illusion of who you are. This isn’t fair to them, nor is it appropriate to you because you are not only robbing yourself of true intimacy, but this other person is being robbed as well. In all honesty, though, intimacy without truth rarely lasts long-term because one or both partners will always have a yearning to experience deeper fulfillment in love.

Throughout most of our lives, we have been rewarded for being in control, whether climbing a mountain or sailing an ocean, but when it comes to the depths of love – there are no rewards for staying in control. The only power you get in love is knowing yourself and what you’re looking for in a relationship, but you have to give others the freedom to be themselves, and never try to change them.

The reality is people are impressed with all kinds of things: intelligence, power, money, charm, talent, and so on. But the ones we tend to stay in love with are, in the long run, the ones who do a decent job loving us back.

― Donald Miller, Scary Close: Dropping the Act and Acquiring a Taste for True Intimacy

Acceptance is at the heart of intimacy. Being accepted, flaws and all is an absolute pleasure. There is no better feeling in this world than having something you were sure your partner would reject you for, welcomed and accepted with loving arms. That is pure bliss. The kind of bliss a child experiences after seeing their mom after a long first day of school. The type of bliss you have always aspired for. Please don’t rob yourself of this bliss by hiding your truth; you are so worthy. Yes, some might reject you, but others will accept you. Please don’t rob yourself of the acceptance you’ve yearned your whole life for. While you’re at it, remember always to accept others as you wish those who rejected you would have accepted you.

When the story of earth is told, all that will be remembered is the truth we exchanged. The vulnerable moments. The terrifying risk of love and the care we took to cultivate it. And all the rest, the distracting noises of insecurity and the flattery and the flashbulbs will flicker out like a turned-off television.

― Donald Miller, Scary Close: Dropping the Act and Acquiring a Taste for True Intimacy

The only thing standing between you and the love you aspire for is your belief that you can have someone while also playing it safe. Most people fail to understand that devotion is the seed of love. Without it, you are just playing. Most people will not wait around while you continue to play it safe. It’s your choice to dive headfirst into the surrender of love.

This paradigm cannot be taught in a lesson; it’s a commitment. The first thing you must do is face your fears. You’ll fear your partner leaving you. You’ll worry your partner will one day ultimately find you undesirable, ugly, and unlovable … and maybe they will. Are you willing to love them anyway? Would you be willing to love them even if one day they did ultimately leave you? If you’re in your higher self, you will choose yes, but it’s a leap your ego must take.

If that is not a leap your ego is ready to make, then you will do everything in your power to discover the person’s fatal flaw. Maybe they weren’t attractive enough, funny enough, wealthy enough, whatever the reason. You will try to escape, finding any reason why the love couldn’t work. You will choose to leave, defining new horizons and more accessible, less complicated love.

To stop moving in and out of the cycles of intimacy, you are going to have to face everything you fear most about intimacy. You will have to want your partner, regardless of what happens, more than anything in the world. Approaching love in this manner will teach you that it will be there if you are willing to invite love. Without focusing on the outcome or fear of the outcome, one can simply surrender into love. It’s a freeing possibility.


Upcoming Meetings

Purpose and Identity – The Makings of an Integrated Man
Jun 18, 2024
26 people are attending this event.

Over the course of several years, I have identified the key issues that plague most Nice Guys and keep them stuck in mediocrity. Two of the key issues are a lack of clear purpose and a lack of a distinct clear identity. This lack of clarity is often the reason Nice Guys end up in dysfunctional ...

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